A couple of weeks ago, I went to an event my church put on called ENCOUNTER. I’ve never been to anything quite like it. The basic goal of this weekend is to expose us to the sins we are struggling with and to reveal the lies that are hindering our relationships with God. The biggest thing I learned was this: I was angry at God. And maybe I still am a little, but I’m healing. It’s a process. A lot happened this summer, a lot of bad things. And if I’m being honest with you, I became exceedingly good at showing God where He went wrong. In everything. What I forgot was that God is Good, God is only good. There are no exceptions. During the first evening of the retreat, the leaders gave the gospel. Although it was years ago that I accepted Christ as my Savior, I felt like the speaker was talking directly to me. Reminding me of everything I knew to be true of Jesus and His life here on earth.
I was reminded that Jesus had his back ripped off of Him in pieces.
I was reminded that they nailed Him to a cross.
I was reminded that every time Jesus needed to breathe, He was forced to push up and scrape his skinless back against a tree.
And the whole time He did this… He thought of me.
How overwhelming.
I’m angry at the only perfect person in this universe.
Yeah, I went through a whole lot of crap. I’m not over it. I’m going to have a pretty impressive scar from all of it. But, in all of it there was good. I look back and I am starting to see God’s fingerprint in every one of those horrible things.
I was told recently, that it’s okay to not be okay. And it’s okay to ask why… I just have to be willing to hear His answer.
But, I can’t be angry. It only makes the pain worse. It prolongs the healing. It puts a wall between me and my best friend, Jesus. Yes, He has allowed bad things to happen. He also allowed Himself to die-one of the most horrible and gruesome deaths-so that I could be with Him.
If He could allow Himself to die for my freedom, I must trust Him through my own struggles. I must know that He can see the bigger picture. He knows where this is going and it’s going to be okay.
I recognized that my anger was wrong. At some level, I think I am disappointed in myself.
How did I let myself get so far off course? How did I get so distant from God?
After questioning this for a while, I had to recognize that there was a lot of “me” in my life and not enough Jesus.
I’ve began to pray that I would not be angry, but I would fall into a deeper and deeper love with my creator every day. Sometimes, I falter, but He is always there catching me and pulling me back up.
While I pray for myself, I pray for you too. That you would fall into a deeper and deeper love with Jesus. The one who is, who always was, and who is still to come.
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