My first year of motherhood is coming to a close and I am a tearful disaster.
This year I have had so many failures, so many victories, and somewhere in the midst of it all my "tiny" nine and half pound infant turned into a walking, thinking, mischievous little boy.
One day, Wesley came home and I was crying because Isaiah was turning one month old. I felt like he had changed so much, grew up, and I was missing every darn second of it.
"I can't miss a single moment," I said.
"Gracie, you're right here, holding him in your arms. You're not going to miss a single second."
"But, Wesley, he's only a breath away from growing up."
And so, this year, I clung to every moment. God gave me the privilege of becoming a parent and with it I was given the honor of introducing this child to the beautiful world around us—a broken world, yet one still so loved by the Lord.
There is a reason every parent with grown children repeat to the new parents the same words, "Don't blink, you'll miss it."
What I think they're really saying is, "Don't become so busy that you forget to love them well."
I hope Isaiah, and all my children remember me as someone who was always present in their lives. I want to greet the Lord one day and hear those sweet and cherished words, "Well done, good and faithful servant." Not only when it comes to the people around me, but for how I cared for my family.
This child is not mine, but God's. A gift and responsibility that has been given to me for an appointed time. A soul who belongs to the Lord. A responsibility my husband and I will be held accountable for by the God of the universe.
This year, being a parent has come with so many decisions, emotions, and lessons. But the biggest lesson I have learned is this:
I can do nothing on my own.
But God, in every weakness, in every failure, and in all my exhaustion is there. He is guiding me as a wife and He is guiding me as a parent.
God has called me, as an unequipped wife and mother, to sit at the feet of Jesus. When I respond to this call, suddenly, the weight of being the perfect wife and supermom dissipates and the only thing left is an unexplainable peace.
God loves me and God loves my baby. I know this with my whole heart, yet tears still creep into my eyes and slip down my cheeks because there is a desperation in my heart that never wants to let him go.
A year ago, I held a baby in my arms. He has watched me, smiled at me, laughed with me, and today, I watched a little boy walk from my arms, across the room, and right into his Daddy's arms.
What a beautiful picture of Christ with each and everyone of us. Motherhood isn't about keeping clothes clean or making sure the house is spotless.
It's about holding them when they cry, listening to their troubles, rejoicing in their victories, teaching them, and guiding them in the ways of the Lord.
We blink and a child who used to depend on us for their every need will walk from our arms and into the arms of their Heavenly Father. It is my simple prayer that each child I am given the privilege of letting go will spend the rest of their days in full dependence on Him.
I pray they will never take another step that isn't in accordance with the Lord.
I pray they will never forget how loved they are.
I pray they will never know anything but the faithfulness of God.
And so, I say again, this year I have had so many failures, so many victories, and in the midst of it all, God has been so good and faithful.
There are days I blink, but I know the Lord never will, His face always shining upon us.